today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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