I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
