you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
