This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
