i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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