Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
