i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
