It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
