i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
