??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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