HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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