I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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