I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
