so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
