our cab driver is having phone sex.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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