you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
