Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
