why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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