i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So squirting runs in the family.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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