Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
