I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize