Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
