Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
