there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
