Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
