Sry I called you an 8
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We don't watch enough power rangers
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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