Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
