there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
