just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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