Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Say something about gay babies.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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