When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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