TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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