If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
