I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
