I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
