I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
