Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
