i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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