A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
