I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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