I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You're a waste of cheezeits
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
