he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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