This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
