Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
