I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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