As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
