So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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