i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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