How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
