I wish I only lived at night.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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