I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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