I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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