This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
