I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
