i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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