okay pat passed out under dana's car
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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