I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
