i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize