Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
