Pappa wants mamma naked
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
