It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
