Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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