I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Never underestimate the power of titties
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
