omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize