If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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