just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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