if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
