So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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