I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
should my penis look like a turkey
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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