Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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