and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
