i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
