Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My hand turned me down
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
