well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
