I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
