The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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