i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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