peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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